I am here a lot on this site. It’s almost unbelievable seeing all these pages of comments and replies today. It’s so very saddening. I’m so sorry for us all and hope each and every one of us finds a reason, to get us through each day. I’m 57 and have been through a horrific marriage, separation,, long drug our divorce from a man I deeply loved. The only man I’ve ever loved. Could not have had worse judgement, ignored many red flags, believed lies for years. Narcissist along with my mother who will be 93 this Monday. I’ve not spoken to her, or my grown daughter from my first marriage out of high school in nearly 6 years. I have 3 beautiful granddaughters I’ve not seen in all that time either. The rest of my family disowned me, I’m on disability for depression and anxiety and was diagnosed with C-PTSD during my separation, divorce and post divorce that I’m sure the judge would have given him my blood if he’d remembered that one last thing. I was discriminated and humiliated and bullied by the court system to where I can’t even drive by the courthouse. I’ve isolated myself to the point it’s desperate that I do leave at times. My ONE THING is my dog. My almost 9 year old Golden Retriever, I’m already worried about losing too soon because two before her died young. I literally get out of bed each day just for her. I let her out and I stare out my back door crying and begging that someone sees my pain and helps and also mortified that someone will. I’ve been so hurt and devastated and destroyed by lies for so long I’m beginning to wonder again if things weren’t all my fault as my ex tried pounding into my head for too many years. I am so lost and empty and unloved that I’ve nobody to list as an emergency contact. I’ve had emergencies where I had no one to call. No one to drive me to the ER when I couldn’t drive. I look at my dogs beautiful face, covered in white now with her years of wisdom as her groomer as so sweetly said before. She is my life. But I also need a human being to hug and hold and touch. I’ve thought so many times of how to end it, but I’m a coward and I can’t make the mistake of messing this last thing up. If I were to try and fail it would be so much worse. My family would see it as a weakness and embarrassment and shame to them. That’s the mother I’ve known all my life. She’s never once asked me how I was when my marriage was falling apart. My home of 24 years in foreclosure because my spouse left and never saw a cent from him again even after the divorce. Contempt of court for maintenance. He threatened me many times with harm if I ever tried to collect. I don’t want to ever see him or hear his voice again. He’s the devil on this earth and the reason my daughter disowned me. We were so close. I was so proud because my own mother and I never were not for a minute. Yet she blamed me for being uncaring and unloving. I honestly don’t think I have any love for my mother and I don’t feel guilt over it. She’s done nothing but say I was a disappointment all of my life to her.
It’s a holiday weekend here in the US and as weekends go they’re the worst for me but a holiday weekend makes me feel so much more empty and dead inside. I just want the pain to end and live somehow but there’s nothing to motivate me and nowhere to go that I feel I fit in anywhere. People have people. People need people. I’ve got no one at all who even cares if I’m alive or dead so why am I here other than my sweet beautiful dog? Even she deserves better than me.