Hi Nad. I believe and understand your emotional distress as I'm myself learning how to respect myself by practicing healthy boundaries.
We all deserve to live fulfilling lives, unfortunately some of us haven't had the chance, while growing up, to acquire the necessary tools to have the capacity to demand respect from others. Since our families were not able to provide us with unconditional love (because of their own personal issues), we grow up thinking we're worthless. Because those one-way relationships is all we've known, we are unconsciously attracted to people that take advantage of us. It's a vicious cycle that in my case did turn into a vicious cycle of being abused and becoming an abusive person as well.
Thank God, I have overcomed that cycle approx. 10 years (I'm 55) through therapy, self-reflection and, a ton of determination and hard work.
Although one part of me still struggles with self-love, and trying to be less vulnerable to being used and abused, the other part of me is still determined to continue my daily personal work of listening to my own needs so I can stop putting the needs of others ahead of mine by setting boundaries.
Please remember, each person in this world is valuable in their own and unique way. We did NOT choose to be ONLY loved if we meet our families high expectations to make THEM feel good. We did not choose to being sexually abused by family members and have our basic needs of safety, unconditional love and respect been totally ignored by those who should have been there to protect us.
We are the ones who have to become our own parents, give ourselves unconditional love and self-respect. One step at a time. It's normal to go forward one step and go backwards a few steps, however, we CANNOT give up on ourselves, we must be our own cheerleaders!
So stand up after each fall, shake the dust off, roll your sleeves, keep you chin up and get ready for the next round of fighting for yourself.
PS...and don't be scared of getting bruises, they are part of our fight to gain self- esteem.
PPS. I'm proud of your capacity to share such deep emotions as it helping me in my journey.