I love your honesty. I feel the same. The more I force myself to see my psychiatrist and take meds and try to keep going, the harder it gets. It’s never gotten better. The ONLY thing that kinda sorta keeps me here is i really do have truly awesome friends. 5 best friends. They give my life meaning. We are all single except one. So we can relate in lots of ways. I’ve known these people literally 20/30/40 years and we’ve all had our own hell. What I pray for is that someone just ONE person comes into your life that if nothing else can just be with you in any situation and just be there. That’s all. You can’t tell your family and psychiatrist you look forward to death. You just can’t. You are labeled as crazy and mental. I’m not a super religious person but I do believe in God and I do have a relationship with Christ. Crazy or not, this is just one of many reasons God sent his Son on our behalf. God knew we could never make it alone, make all the right decisions, be a sinless person as Jesus was. No one would ever measure up. But I promise you He loves you and He is always with you in your darkest moments. Besides Christ, the most beautiful gift we will ever receive is DEATH as a believer. No more pain and suffering to those who believe in Him. It will be our beginning. Not at all our end. How could a life of suffering NOT look forward to that? I haven’t lost all complete faith and trust in people……I have 5!!!!!! I really hope you find some peace. I don’t know you but I love you very much❤️