Repeat these words to yourself whenever you start to feel like you can nvr do smth: Your now is not your forever.
Its as true as it gets, both in times of grt sufferin and times of grt happiness; your now will not last forever.
When i was your age was now almost half a lifetime ago for me, as i turn 34 early next yr; and there is NOTHING about my current life that i cudve ever expected to be part of my life at 17.
My 17 yr old self cud nvr have imagined such a wonderful life as the one im now living, and that 17 yr old version of me was very soon to turn to drink myself; to deal with the pain of life at that pt, the pain that wud keep increasin as i hid it away from myself with anythin i cud use to numb myself and forget it all
It was only 6 yrs ago when my life rly started to flip around in a good way, tho thered been seeds of change sown earlier when id found out more about myself like my asexuality, aromanticality, and pan related feelings; as well as my desire for polyamory which combined with the rest finally explained to me a lot of why my younger self had always feared the life id thowt was comin back then... As id nvr been able to imagine a life where my feelings were aknowledged and my problems addressed.
At 27 tho, early in the yr just a month or so before my bday, i finally got one of the last missing pieces, when i saw another visibly nonbinary person who looked just like i wanted to look; beard and dress. On seein that, it took me 6 months to say it to anyone else i knew and only 4 months longer to come out fully, bcuz i knew i wanted my now to be that instd. And i had just finished John Greens novel where i found that quote which was rly helpin me to visualise my future as bein potentially whatevs i wanted to make it
Then the yr after that i got so drunk i grabbed a friends boob and got in a fight with her boyfriend (by that i mean i tried and failed to atk him multiple times) and ruined any chance at friendship with many ppl i cared deeply about. The next day i was talked to by the ppl involved and others around it and encouraged to quit drinkin, to which i said i had alrdy come to that decision as soon as id heard what i had done.
I did everythin i cud to apologise, take accountabilty, and change so as to make that nvr happen again. And many of those ppl nvr forgave me. And that hurt and can still hurt even now (i mean, why else wud i be here rn), but ive done all i can to improve myself and do better; all i can do now is move on, like ive been doin.
I thowt id always live in my home state too, in our small city, and mostly in the same friend groups. Its what felt right for a long time, until i found reason to leave. The yr after my worst drunken antics i rly started to also open up more about myself, first online to myself, then online to friends, then in person to friends, then in person to strangers.
I came out as a Little, am age regressor, as well, and figured out a lot about my at the time undiagnosed Neurodivergences which exacerbated things like this; like how my ADHD made me even more prone to a lack of impulse control, or how my sensory processin disorder and anxiety and general sense of overwhelm is lessened by alcohol
By bein so open, i met a person who wanted to be my caregiver and my fiance; who was happy to have me call him my mommy (gender is a funny thing sometimes heh). And nowadays i live with him and my metamour i call my sibby (they), and i have a brand new group of friends here and many new connections bein made while also maintainin many of my friends from the past
There are a lot of things i did while drunk that were embarassing, and a couple that wud even rise to the lvl of crimes, but no one here in my current now knows about that; and those from my past who do know, theyve recognised how much ive worked to improve myself and take accountability, and thus they dont care about what i did in the past when under the influence of a drink i no longer touch except to turn it to vinegar