I feel you. I haven’t left yet but I am close. I am close to losing my job, my wife is always mad at me, I hate yelling at my kids but they don’t listen or respect me until I lose it. I never lash out physically but I do verbally. I feel like I am ruining my kids and my marriage. Maybe they would be better if I left. Like you I would never end it for them knowing what that does to others and I fear death. But I feel like they would be better without me around. Happier. I cannot find a shrink worth my time and I hate meds. My anxiety is causing me to not sleep. I haven’t properly slept more than a couple hours in over a month
You are not alone. We need to keep fighting for those we love. You talk about your son. Mine knows something is wrong with his Dad, but I cannot say anything to him. So I sit alone in the dark and cry. Stay strong, you’re not alone ❤️